It's nice to feel needed

My daughter wouldn't stop crying the other day. I was deeply engrossed in my work in front of the laptop and she was starting to really piss me off that time because of her non-stop tantrums. I kept asking her why but she just kept on crying. She was just like that for what seemed to me like an eternity. I was about to lose my cool and start shouting when, for the last time, i asked her what she wants. And in between sobs she just said "You, mommy. I want you." Apparently she's been wanting my attention and I was just too focused on my work to really notice. I was so ashamed and I realized how very little time I have been giving her since I started my online job. I embraced her and told her how sorry mommy was for not taking so much notice of her for quite a while.

It dawned on me that during that brief moment, it wasn't just my daughter's need to be noticed that was satisfied. I also felt good that someone said I'm needed.... I guess it's been a while too that I've been feeling useless and not needed. It's one of the loneliest moments too -- when you don't feel any appreciation at all from the people who really matters. That's why it comes a bit of a surprise to hear someone say that you're needed.

Thank you Bro for that simple, sweet moment of embrace. My daughter stopped crying as if nothing really happened. And I felt good that it was my embrace that calmed and comforted her..... it's really nice to be needed.

Poison that heals

My daughter had a fever several days ago. Her daddy gave her a medicine but she didn't like the taste. After several prodding, we were able to convince her to take the meds little by little. She was feeling better the following day but there was nothing I could say or do to make her take the medicine again. She said "I don't want to drink poison mommy".

It made me realize how, in this life, people conveniently stay away from things that are not so pleasant. Like that medicine which my daughter called a poison, we seldom realize how the "not-so-pleasant" things in life can really benefit us in the long run.Just because it has a "bad taste", we often overlook the fact that certain events in our life can actually mold and shape us to become better persons. Problems, challenges, sufferings, difficulties in life are things all of us will always wish not to experience. But just like the medicine, we need all of those to make us stronger and better.

Thank you for the poison that heals.....

Thanks for keeping me company

Valentine's day went by.... all i got from my husband was a simple text message saying "Happy Valentine". No more sweet nothings. Not even "how are you" or "have a nice day"....

It's been so lonely the past days. Stressed from work, so many worries.... I practically spend the entire day working in front of the laptop. I had very few time for my daughter. They're not even quality time. I get a few hours of sleep then back to my online job again. I am thankful for the job. Really, I am. It keeps the time passing that I don't really have time to worry about my other personal problems. But it's pretty lonely too. Being all alone every day, not having anyone to talk to. Nobody really knows how lonely it gets here ---- nobody but You. Thanks Bro for keeping me company. I could cry my heart out but I know it's okay with You. Please bear with me. It's really pretty awful not having someone here on earth to listen to me anymore....

You keep me going. No matter how painful, lonely, stressful and draining a day is, you're there for me. Sometimes I wonder how I could have lasted this long.... how I could have survived certain days when there's nothing left to hold on to. I know it was You. It was You all along. If fear and loneliness could kill, I would have died long ago. But You stood by me. You did not condemn. You did not turn your back. You embraced me ..... You carried me. That's why I'm still here. I couldn't have made it on my own. Thank you.... 

Four candles in a cupcake

My daughter celebrated her 4th birthday last February 7. The picture above was her birthday cupcake. I wasn't able to buy her a birthday cake ---- no, let me rephrase that: I couldn't afford to buy her a birthday cake that day so ...... but she was happy that day, though. We went to church with her daddy  who, surprisingly, took a day off from work to celebrate with us. Then we went to jollibee to buy a 39'er food (that means a value meal worth P39!). Nearby was a red ribbon so I bought her the cheapest cupcake i could find and 4 small candles. She blew her birthday candles and played at Jollibee's play land. She played by herself until an English-speaking boy joined her. I had such a grand time listening to her talking to the boy in English! She wasn't making much sense but I was so proud of the effort she's exerting to communicate with her new playmate. I thought the boy's going to have a nosebleed! My daughter's English was really awful and out of this world. But what the heck, the two of them are having a nice time playing. After playing, we just strolled for about an hour and then went home.....

It was the  her simplest birthday ever. I couldn't complain because I know my daughter had a fun day too. I just wish I could have given her more. I wasn't even able to buy her a gift or a new dress or shoes. But then, again, as I told you when we went to the church that day, thank you for the privilege of having the company of a beautiful and smart daughter for four years. It wasn't the birthday i would have dreamed of giving her but thank you that we were able to celebrate it the best way we can. I look forward to the many more years that she will spend with me. Thank you for the candles and the cupcake.....